(Review) She’s Got The Wrong Guy: Why Smart Women Settle by Deepak Reju

 

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Publisher and Publication Date: New Growth Press. October 16, 2017.
Genre: Christian nonfiction, dating, relationships.
Pages: 192.
Source: Complimentary copy from New Growth Press and Litfuse Publicity Group.
Rating: Good.

Landing page for the book tour: She’s Got The Wrong Guy.

Amazon

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Author Info:
Deepak Reju, MDiv, PhD, serves as the pastor of biblical counseling and families at Capitol Hill Baptist Church (CHBC) in Washington, DC, as well as president for the board of directors of the Biblical Counseling Coalition. He is the author of several books and articles, including “Great Kings of the Bible: How Jesus Is Greater than Saul, David and Solomon,” “The Pastor and Counseling,” and “On Guard: Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse at Church.” Deepak and his wife Sarah have been married since 2001 and have five children.

Summary (courtesy of Litfuse Publicity Group):
The control freak. The angry man. The lazy guy. The unteachable guy. The promiscuous man. The unbeliever. The lone ranger. The unchurched guy. The new convert. The commitment-phobe.
For any woman who has struggled with failed relationships, this may seem like a familiar list. These are the men your friends and family have in mind when they think, “she’s with the wrong guy.” And while the reasons women choose these types of men are complicated and varied, ultimately, they will all let you down.
In She’s Got the Wrong Guy, Deepak Reju offers a different kind of dating book, discussing the types of guys women should not marry and offering biblical reasons why they aren’t suitable spouses. Writing from his years of experience as a pastor and counselor, Reju shares with women his perspective on how to assess a relationship’s strengths from the beginning, how to identify possible pitfalls, and how to have the courage to wait for a relationship that will be a blessing for both of you. Using stories that single women can relate to and highlighting contemporary issues in the modern world of dating, Reju gives readers clear, biblical direction on how to have positive, life-giving relationships with members of the opposite sex.
With a strong, Christ-centered focus, women will better understand why they “settle” for less than what God intends for their romantic relationships and learn to put their hopes and find their happiness in Jesus, not marriage

My Thoughts:
I have many thoughts!
I am 53, and have been married almost 35 years. I married the wrong guy but have stayed in the marriage despite the hardship. I was 18 when I married. Many things came to “light” in the first year of marriage, but by then a baby had arrived, and then another baby two years later. We’ve had some good times but have had some awful times. At age 18, I was not mature enough to make a decision regarding serious relationships, much less marriage. Plus, I married a young man who was hiding his “other life.” This “other life” came out after we were married in what I will call confessions. (I could write a book about my own life.)

I wanted to read, She’s Got The Wrong Guy, because I enjoy reading subjects from a variety of genres.

I want to clarify:
The reading audience is for women.
The main message is for women who are dating.
The book does not disclose help for women already married.
The book is not intended for women who are not looking for a Christian husband.

In part one, Reju reminds us of the culture of our era. Dating has changed dramatically from previous generations. The current generation utilizes social media to find a dating partner. But, Reju made a valid point in stating people, “hide behind a screen.” This is a point that people know but need reminding of. People always put forward their best, and behind a screen they can project whatever they wish.
In part two (chapters 5-14), Reju begins listing several different types of wrong guys. Some examples of wrong guys: “The Control Freak”, The Angry Man”, “The Lone Ranger”, and “The Passive Man.”
In part three, a chapter on breaking up with the bad guy, being patient for the right guy, and the final chapter on grace for the current situation.

I feel this is a good book for a single woman. Read it cover to cover or as a reference book. It is a good book to read and discuss with other female friends.
However, there are a few things I did not like. Chapter 11 is “The Lone Ranger.” In this chapter, a couple is introduced where she is the outgoing type and he is the reserved type. She doesn’t understand why he is not “more” friendly with people at church. She wants him to have a strong interest in involvement at church beyond just attending. He is not interested in staying after church for longer than a few minutes. She is put off and wants to have a conversation about his priorities.

Jonathan is a loner. He doesn’t see the need for others, and because of that, he doesn’t do the hard work of developing deep, meaningful Christian relationships. When he gets together with friends, they talk about work, sports, and weather, but no one asks any deeper questions. Real Christian love is not comfortable, but is willing to be engaged with one another and take risks. Genuine Christian love is not convenient, but is willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of Christ…Jonathan does not see the need for discipling or accountability.  Page 96.

Reju states, “Jonathan doesn’t value Christian relationships.” Page 97.
There may be other problems with this situation than, “Jonathan doesn’t value relationships.” For example: he may not be interested period in staying after church, he wants to go home. What might help is one Christian male friend who will hang out with Jonathan, like play golf together or watch sports. Jonathan may be the type of personality that is never going to be interested in the small group (several people in a group considered to be small-12 or less.) He is more one on one. Another problem is Jonathan may have intimacy issues. He is holding back in revealing any deeper part of him. He may hold back on intimacy with all people. Another problem is Jonathan is probably an introvert. He is not comfortable in a large group for long periods of time. He needs time afterwards to recharge quietly. And my last observation, just because people hang out at church afterwards or even attend small groups, this does not mean they are spiritually deep. Those who are apart of hanging out like to talk. What they talk about may or may not be spiritual in nature. Reju explains it is important to have accountability. When people are in relationships with other Christians there is encouragement for growth which includes accountability. In theory I believe this. But this is not always the case. Real accountability comes from reading and studying God’s Word.

Reju makes a strong point: the emphasis of our lives is not to get married but to worship God. The relationship we have with God is the most important relationship we will have. Getting married is secondary.

Final Thoughts:
I have observed married couples and found a few things that I believe are important.
1. The couple see each other at eye level. I do not mean physically at eye level. But both have a mutual respect and admiration for one another. When a person respects another, they are not going to overspend money or betray.
2. Compatibility. This encompasses several things. For example, is one a neat freak and the other messy? One will eventually blow-up or rebel. However, other factors are important: political and religious beliefs, money matters, career (some careers require long work hours), and children (how to raise the children).
3. Sex and affection. For some men sex is affection. And an important factor, will one partner have a stronger interest in sex more than the other?
4. Common interests. Does the couple have at least one thing they like to do together. For example, playing sports or watching sports.

 

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